Friday, November 12, 2010
Dear Lincoln Navigator Driving South On I85 Towards Atlanta Tonight At About 5:30pm,

Who taught you to drive, Lindsay Lohan?  I mean, seriously.  Lets recap the events of tonight.  We were driving towards Atlanta with about 20,000 of our closest friends, and there was traffic.  It was slowing down the normal mach-8 speed that Atlanta travelers tend to drive.  That is not surprising.  I was following the person in front of me with a reasonable gap so as to not introduce my front bumper to their back seat.  I found this to be a reasonable plan.  YOU were about 7.6 inches off my back bumper cycling from break to gas while most certainly raising your blood pressure to organ-damaging levels, while making no more progress than anyone else.  I feel for your kidneys and you brain. 

When this became just too much for you to tolerate, you moved to the right lane, passed me, and snuck between me and the car you almost rear-ended in the right lane, to get in front of me... where you proceeded to go the same speed you had been going, riding the bumper of the car in front of me.  I followed at an appropriate following distance, even though I would have loved to smush up your new Navigator, because I care.  So, now with your vanity plate screws kissing the hitch of the car in front of you, you proceeded to play the brake/gas game for another 10 minutes.  It was kind of like an early Christmas lights show.  Thanks for that.

Then, as traffic on a Friday night outside a city tends to do, everyone slowed down.  Why?  I don't know.  But they did.  And you, having no buffer between you and the car in front SLAMMED on your breaks, swerved off the road, honked (wft?), and probably caused a touch of cardiac damage to your always stressed body.  There was the potential for Final Destination-like crash/bang/explosion/pile-up.  I can see it in my imagination, how the scene would have played out.  Luckily for you, I was following at a reasonable distance, and didn't smush you.  Instead, I braked.  And slowed with plenty-o-time.  Almost like I'd planned for it.

Then, you proceeded to do exactly the same thing... until you wanted to exit, got in the right lane and tailed a truck (while being tailed by an Escalade apparently going to the same place as you) until you got off at your exit.  And I passed you before you got off the exit. 

It's a good thing you spent all that energy getting in front of me.  It certainly paid off for you.

I don't understand drivers like you.  All stress, all gas, no common sense, and no idea how traffic works.  It's simple, really.  There are not very many rules.

1)  Use cruise control.  I'm sure your Lincoln Navigator has it.  In front of the entertainment system, to the left of the GPS, and above the fridge/pizza oven.  Use it.  You can set it fast, even manly-man fast.  Just use it.
2)  Don't pass on the right.  The only exception is if you've been following someone for a long time, there is no traffic, and they clearly aren't going to move over to the right.  Other than that, just stay in the flippin' left lane until they move!  Otherwise you mess up the flow of traffic, people can't move over, you get pissed because your stuck behind someone else, you try to switch lanes, people collide, and we return to the scene from Final Destination.
3)  Don't text and drive.  It's dumb.  You are already distracted by your angst (yes, angst is very distracting).  Looking at your phone doesn't help.  If you think you are the exception to this, you are ignorant and stupid and we could never be friends in real life.
4)  There is no 4.  There are only 3 rules.  Can you remember 3 rules?  If not, I think maybe you shouldn't have a license. 

In summary, you really are not a very good driver.  I'm sorry for you.  I hope you aren't teaching your kids to drive or anything.  That would just be dangerous.

The end.


Anonymous said...

Kari, you are an amazing writer!!! I hope you publish some day!

About Me

I am a Family Medicine intern at a community hospital in Indiana, navigating the new world of being a physician. I am privileged to work in a field I love, where every day is a new and unpredictable challenge.
I am not only a doctor, but also a cyclist, runner, DIYer in the making, lover of the outdoors, traveler, and human.
Human, MD is a glimpse into the world of a young doctor who is just trying to stay true to herself through the grueling whirlwind of residency.


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